Issue One

Editor’s Note: Our readers have told us that they love this column, probably because it’s slightly off kilter and sometimes on the edge of good taste. Send us your best (and clean) e-mail jokes to webmaster@medinamall.com.

Always give 100% at work . . .

12% on Monday.
23% on Tuesday.
40% on Wednesday.
20% on Thursday.
5% on Fridays.

12 Things To Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, Welcome To The "Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
13. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
14. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
15. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
16. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
19. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
20. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.
21. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
24. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
25. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
26. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
27. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
28. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
31. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
32. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
33. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
34. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
35. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
36. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
37. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
38. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Some Actual Signs

- In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
- On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
- Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
- In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
- On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
- On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
- At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
- On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
- On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
- On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
- At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

More State Motto’s

Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing.
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner.
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal.
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island.
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and
Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming: Wynot?

Butt Prints In The Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."