Issue Three

Let Me Rephrase That . . .

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters.

The World According To George Carlin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswomen, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

New Dog Breeds Announced

Collie + Lhasa Alspo = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dashund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by. . . Oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels.
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = I think you can figure this one out.

38 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid . . .

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all her Corn Flakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination platter.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off her cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A Few Points To Ponder

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you are born again, do you have two belly buttons?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Kids Advice To Other Kids

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Michael, 14.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, 14.
Stay away from prunes. Randy, 9.
Never pee on an electric fence. Robert, 13.
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. Emily, 10.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Taylia, 11.
Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment. Traci, 14.
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. Mitchell, 12.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Andrew, 9.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. Kyoyo, 9.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Armir, 9.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Kellie, 11.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Naomi, 15.
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Lauren, 9.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, 11.

In Perspective

If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be nonwhite
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer!

Surprise, Surprise

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets!" "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring. "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!!"

P.U.

There was a man who entered a local paper”s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Ghandi was a very spiritual man. He walked everywhere barefooted, which made his feet very tough. He was often given to hunger strikes, and even when he did eat, his poor, vegetarian diet left him weak and frail. It also gave him bad breath. He became known as a super-fragile callused mystic, plagued with halitosis.
(Editor’s Note: Somebody must have a lot of spare time on their hands).

Barney Haters, Take Cover!

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

How Do They Walk And Chew Gum At The Same Time . . .

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why the computer would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was not too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" Just use copy machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "I"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

And, one addition from a friend: She's been doing temp work at various offices. At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes down the side of each copy. She opened the paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.

Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (Hmmmm....)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning, keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Destroy a childhood fantasy!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)

See you next month at The E-Files - The Truth Is Out There Somewhere.