The Funeral

A man was leaving a Dairy Mart with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

Curiosity spurring him on, he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is this?”

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

“Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line," the man replied.

Those Amazing Blondes
(These jokes were submitted by a blonde, so don’t blame us!)

A blonde goes for a job interview and the interviewer decides to start with the basics.

"So, Miss, can you tell us your age please?"

The blonde carefully counts on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Twenty two."

"And can you tell us your height, please."

The blonde stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two.”

About this time the interviewer is pretty sure he's not hiring her but goes ahead and asks her the next question anyway. "And uuh, just for our records, your name please."

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds mouthing something silently to herself before replying, "Sandy."

By this time the interviewer is completely baffled so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, Miss, I can understand you counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!” the blonde replies. "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

+++

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?"

The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it's a thermos."

Still curious, the blonde asks, "What does it do?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk. So she buys one....

The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What's that shiny thingy?"

She replies with authority, "It's a thermos."

"Oh," says he, "And what's it do?"

"Well," says she, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?"

"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

+++

A blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a bad hail storm. The stones were as big as golf balls and her car was dented pretty badly. When she balked at the price to fix it, the repair shop guy sarcastically told her to blow into the tailpipe real hard when she got home and the dents would pop out.

"What are you doing?" her friend asked, horrified at seeing her knelt down on the ground behind her car.

"I'm trying to blow the dents out of the car, DUH!"

"Well, DUH," the blonde’s equally blonde friend said, "You've got to roll the windows up first!"

+++

Three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead - were up for the job of homicide detective in a police department. They had all scored equally on tests and interviews, and the Chief of Police couldn't decide between them. Finally, the Chief decided to ask them all one more question. He called the brunette in to his office and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?"

The brunette thought for a moment and then said, "The Jewish aristocracy killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon. He then called in the redhead and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?"

The redhead replied, "The Romans killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon. Then he called in the blonde and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?"

The blonde thought for a while, and then asked the Chief if she could get back to him in a couple of days. The Chief was a little surprised, but decided to give her the time.

That night the blonde went out to dinner with her boyfriend. He asked her how the interview had gone. The blonde said, "Interview, heck, I've got my first case!"

If At First You Don’t Succeed

Little Daniel went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother, being quite fed up with his behavior decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, “Well, Daniel, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.”

After a temper tantrum and banishment to his room, he sat down to write a letter to Jesus:
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your friend, Daniel

Now Daniel knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly, Daniel

Daniel knew that this wasn’t totally honest, either, so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Daniel

By this time, Daniel was really starting to do some soul searching. He knew his behavior had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and deeply pondered his actions. Suddenly, he found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Daniel went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should do. Finally he got up and began to walk out when he noticed all the wonderful statues. Impulsively, he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. When he arrived home, he hid it under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,
I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Daniel

Flattering Snacks

A man goes into the neighborhood bar to get a quick drink. Over his shoulder he hears a voice, "That's a nice shirt you have on." Thinking that his evening just got better, he slowly turns around to find he's the only one sitting at the bar. Slightly confused, he checks himself and quickly dismisses the incident.

After another few minutes he hears, "You've got beautiful eyes." Knowing that he really heard something this time he spins around, but again he stands alone.

Totally confused and getting concerned, he calls over the bartender. "What kind of place are you running here? Is this place haunted?"

The bartender replied that there was nothing to worry about. "It's the peanuts," he said. "They're complimentary."

A Little Help From Your Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

Give Me A Light

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck’s former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A Little Part of History That Makes You Go Hmmmmm.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy'. Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker . . . A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

See you next month at The E-Files - The Truth Is Out There Somewhere. Send your jokes to webmaster@medinamall.com.