Quotes from 11-year-olds’ Science Exams

• "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygen is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
• "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
• "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
• "To collect fumes of sulfur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
• "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
• "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
• "Respiration is composed of two acts: first inspiration, and then expectoration."
  
• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
  
• "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
  
• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
  
• "A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
  
• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
  
• "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
  
• "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
  
• "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
  
• "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
  
• "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
  
• "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
  
• "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
  
• "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
  
• "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
  
• "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
  
• "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
  
• "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
  
• "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
  
• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
  
• "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
  
• "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
  
• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
  
• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
  
• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
  
• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
  
• "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

Aw Nuts!

    A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few," he asks.
    “No, not at all,” she replies.
    They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
    "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
    "Oh that's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Hey... Watch It, Buddy

    Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
    One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started venting. "All lawyers are jerks!" he loudly proclaimed.
    Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him. "Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
    "Why is that...are you a lawyer?" he asked.
    "No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"

Entering Heaven

    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
    The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City."
    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
    The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
    "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
    "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The World According to Andy Rooney

    Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
    Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
    Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.                 
     Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.