Set It Free?

    If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free . . . you either married it or gave birth to it.

Quick, Somebody Grab the Repellent!

    In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to- be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
    "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down . . . I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
    "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern . . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
    The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?”

Kid’s Real Answers to a Bible Test

    “Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.”
    “Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night.”
    “Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide, to get the Ten Commandments.”
    “The seventh commandment is ‘Thou shalt not admit adultery’.” (Bill Clinton took note of that one)
    “Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.”
    “Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.”
    “The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 Decibels.”
    “The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”
    “One of the opossums was St. Matthew.”
    “Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”
    “David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.”
    “A man should have only one wife. This is called monotony.”

Horsin’ Around

    This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, “What was that for?”
    She replies, “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
    He says, “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.” She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, “What's that for this time?”
    She answered, “Your horse called!”

Best T-Shirt Slogans Of The Summer

    So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
    I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
    God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
    If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
    At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All . . . I Just Can't Remember It All.
    My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
    I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do.
    A Man Did This To Me, Oprah. (worn by a pregnant woman)
    I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won. (around a picture of dandelions)
    Senior Citizen: Give Me My Darned Discount!
    Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
    No, It Doesn't Hurt. (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
    If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
    I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.
    (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota): My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.
    Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
    What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.
    I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian.
    (On the front): Yale Is Just One Big Party . . . (On the back): . . . With a $25,000 Cover Charge.
    Coffee, Chocolate, Men . . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
    Liberal Arts Major . . . Will Think For Money.
    Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional.
    IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be.
    Gravity . . . It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
    If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.
    Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
    The Old Pro . . . Often Wrong . . . Never In Doubt.

How To Make a Man

    A man is like a fine wine . . . he starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

Which End Is Up?

    A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
    The blind man and the dog reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
    The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his caboose!”

Things You’d Love To Say At Work

    A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    You! Off my planet!
    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    Allow me to introduce my selves.
    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
    Can I trade this job for what's behind Door Number One?
    Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
    I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    Does your train of thought have a caboose?
    How do I set a laser printer to stun?

(Many thanks to special agents Lisa, Sidney, Luana, Pam and Lance for their contributions.)