Top Ten Signs of a Cheap HMO

    Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
    Tongue depressors taste faintly of fudgesicle.
    The only Proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
    The only item listed under the preventive care feature of coverage is “an apple a day.”
    Your “Primary Care Physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
    In your contract, “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-the-network charges” is not a typo.
    Annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
    The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
    Your Viagra pills come in different colors with a little “M” on them.
    You ask for Viagra and you get a popsicle stick and duct tape instead.

Had Enough Yet?

    There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes, so one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
    One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
    "N,” she answered.

More Insights On Life

    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
    Don’t you think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
    Did you notice how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Are they cramming for their finals?
    Have you noticed how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
    Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
    How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
    STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
    Clones are people two.
    If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
    Strange! No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
    If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
    Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
    If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
    If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
    So what's the speed of dark?
    Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?
    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
    Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
    Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
    If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
    In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
    How come there aren't "B" batteries?
    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
    Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
    If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
    How do you throw away a garbage can?
    If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
    What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Growing up in the 60's

    Then: Long hair; Now: Longing for hair.
    Then:: A keg; Now: An EKG
    Then: Acid rock; Now: Acid reflux
    Then: Moving to California because it's cool; Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
    Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents; Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
    Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor; Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
    Then: Seeds and stems; Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints; Now: Popping joints.
    Then: The President's struggle with Fidel; Now: The President's struggle with fidelity.
    Then: Killer weed; Now: Weed killer.
    Then:: Hoping for a BMW; Now: Hoping for a BM.
    Then: The Grateful Dead; Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
    Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint; Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Ouch, That Hurts!   

    The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
    "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
    “Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
    "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
    "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
    "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
    The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Where’s The Bean-O

    One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Daniel, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He, of course, tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Daniel could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
    The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Daniel's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
    Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
    "Well," said Mary, "This morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary.

Can’t Live Without ‘Em   

    In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy and 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
    While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Can’t Stand Those Guys

    A Cleveland Browns fan, a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and Pamela Anderson were sitting together in a train going to last month’s football game at Three Rivers Stadium. The train entered a tunnel and the car went completely dark.          There was a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Browns fan were sitting as if nothing happened, and the Steelers fan was holding his slapped face.
    The Steelers fan thought to himself, "That Browns fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
    Pamela thought, "That Steelers fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Browns fan, and got slapped for it."
    And the Browns fan thought, "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Steeler fan again!"

Getting Old?

    You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
    You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
    It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
    You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.