Temperature
Conversion Chart
60
above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats
Ohioans sunbathe
50
above
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat
Ohioans plant gardens
40
above
Italian cars won't start
Ohioans drive with the windows down
32
above
Distilled water freezes
Lake Erie's water gets thicker
20
above
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Ohioans have the last cookout before it gets cold
15
above
New York landlords finally turn on the heat
Ohioans throw on a sweatshirt
0
Californians fly away to Mexico
Ohioans lick the flagpole
20
below
People in Miami cease to exist
Ohioans get out their winter coats
40
below
Hollywood disintegrates
Ohio Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door
60
below
Polar bears begin to evacuate North Pole
Ohio Boy Scouts postpone Winter Survival Classes until it gets
cold enough
80
below
Mount Saint Helen's freezes
Ohioans rent some videos
100
below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Ohioans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
297
below
Microbial life survives on dairy products
Ohio cows complain of farmers with cold hands
400
below
All atomic motion stops
Ohioans start saying, "Cold enough for ya?"
500
below
Hell freezes over
The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl!
Hallmark
Cards You'll Never See
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry.
You had your bladder removed, and you're on
the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers, and a box of Depends.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause
when I had mine, I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must
be... But don't fret about it, She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead, it was once so great...
Don't you regret installing Windows '98?
You totaled your car, and can't remember the
night... could it have been that case of Bud Light?
Please come for a visit, quaranteed to be the
best... cause I’ve got lots of time now, I’m under ”
house arrest.”
A house? A boat? A fancy Car? Although you
make much less...We think it’s time you come on in, and talk
to IRS.
How
employees like to be treated
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm
and then bring it to me. The challenge of an impossible deadline
is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt
me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t
open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors with no arms is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No
use confusing me with useful information!
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have
no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify
them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much tax on the new Lexus
and on that quarterly bonus.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Things
you’d love to say at work ... but probably can’t afford
to.
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
You! Off my planet!
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t
fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind Door Number One?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Columbian
Surprise!
A little boy surprised his mom one morning and brought her a cup
of coffee. He made it himself and anxiously waited to hear the
verdict on the quality of the coffee. The mom had never in her
life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the
last sip, she noticed three of those little green army guys in
the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three
little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her
son replied, "You know, mom, it's like on TV. The best part
of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
