NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10 .Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sabbath, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.


Top Ten reasons the 80's were a cooler time to be a teenager than the 90's:

10. MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

9. There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (White with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost 125.

8. A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

7. In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

6. In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.

5. In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

4. Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.

3. In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.

2. Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

And the number one reason the 80's were a cooler time to grow up than the 90's:

1. In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!

Top 45 Oxymorons:
 
 45. Act naturally
 44. Found missing
 43. Resident alien
 42. Advanced BASIC
 41. Genuine imitation
 40. Airline Food
 39. Good grief
 38. Same difference
 37. Almost exactly
 36. Government organization
 35. Sanitary landfill
 34. Alone together
 33. Legally drunk
 32. Silent scream
 31. Living dead
 30. Small crowd
 29. Business ethics
 28. Soft rock
 27. Butt Head
 26. Military Intelligence
 25. Software documentation
 24. New classic
 23. Sweet sorrow
 22. Childproof
 21. "Now, then ..."
 20. Synthetic natural gas
 19. Passive aggression
 18. Taped live
 17. Clearly misunderstood
 16. Peace force
 15. Extinct Life
 14. Temporary tax increase
 13. Computer jock
 12. Plastic glasses
 11. Terribly pleased
 10. Computer security
 9. Political science
 8. Tight slacks
 7. Definite maybe
 6. Pretty ugly
 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
 4. Diet ice cream
 3. Working vacation
 2. Exact estimate
 1. Microsoft Works

 
 Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."


More Church Humor

I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!
 
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
 
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
 
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
 
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
 
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
 
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
 
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
 
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
 
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
 
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
 
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
 
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things;right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
 
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
 
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
 
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
 
And on the 8th day God said, "OK Murphy, you take over."
 
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
 
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
 
Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
 
In a crisis call for Isis!
  
 Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
 
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
 
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
 
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
 
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
 
If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting tonight.
 
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
 
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
 
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A True Story

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.  His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr.  Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.  Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.  His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Sex!  You want sex?!  You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"