E-Files 11 - Medina, Ohio

Subject: Technical Support

To Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker 10.3, Boys Night Out 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 or Golf 4.0 no longer run; crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I’m stuck.

Thanks, Stuck

Dear Stuck:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING. It is unlikely that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the operating system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.”

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself; I might also suggest your read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). YOU must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.exe. In any case avoid excessive use of the “Esc” key because ultimately you will have to run the APOLOGIZE.foreverything.exe command before the operating system will return to normal.

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I’ll find someone.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
* The next time the univeàOðQrse knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Quick Wit:

A husband was coming out of anesthesia after a series of test in a hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband woke up again and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to beautiful?” asked the wife.

“The drugs are wearing off,” the husband replied.

This just in to our News Room: There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died.

The truly horrible thing is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They’d put his left leg in and, well, you know the rest.

STUFF TO THINK ABOUT

- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

- How can there be self-help “groups”?

- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re sitting there, staring at carpeting?

- Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

- Why do they report power outages on TV?

- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

- I’m taking Lamaze classes. I’m not having a baby. I’m just having trouble breathing.

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

- There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- What a nice night for an evening.

- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, then forget it.”

- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s dad. He said, “I want my daughter back by 8:15.” I said, “The middle of August? Cool!”

Retirement According to Kids

After a spring break, the teacher asked her young pupils to write about how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are
anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, and they all jump up and down with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising on their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks; they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night

Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

REALLY HAVING A BAD DAY? BELIEVE ME, OTHERS HAVE HAD WORSE

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down just eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day’s not so bad, is it?

FUN FACTS (but we can’t vouch for their accuracy)

Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.

The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex communications)

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

“I am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. And it also the English translation for God’s name.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pie.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression “to get fired.”

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger that it’s brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium had ever won a Superbowl -- until the St. Louis Rams did it this year.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”

James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.