YOU
KNOW YOU'RE FROM OHIO IF:
You've never met any celebrities.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
on the highway.
"Vacation" means driving through Hocking Hills or going
to King's Island, Cedar point, or Sea world.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You know several people who have hit a deer -- even a few COWS
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C"
in the same day.
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. (CORN!!!)
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no
one in it no matter what time of the year.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
"Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall
I wanna go with you."
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
or grain. (Yep! Lodi Sweet Corn Festival , every July!)
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and
Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking"
is.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on
one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think that deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly".
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and
Construction.
You know what a real buckeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
You know if another Ohioan is from southern, middle or northern
Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes.
You know the difference between Amish and Mennonite.
You know the word Mennonite (not minute men).
You don't stop in the middle of the road to take a picture of
the Amish in their buggies - instead you honk your horn and flip
them off for taking up to much of the road. (Well, I, personally,
just wave at them & smile, you never know when one might show
up at your door trying to sell you some strawberries, bread ,
eggs or baked goods. )
An
incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money.
At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making
$15 bills. He figures that the only way he's going to get anything
from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people
aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small
Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter
and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that?
An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?" >>
Differences
Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping
your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bullheaded.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's
overworked.
Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly
man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day,
while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship,
and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing
the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle
and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why
did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt
will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly
man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not
two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful
silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed
against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get
me my brown pants!"
Bumper
stickers we'd like to see:
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall
off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass
them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of
the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left
by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
"Ah,
yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
- Roseanne
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful." - Jay Leno
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the
Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not
paying enough attention to women's breasts?" - Jay Leno
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
- George Carlin
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not
a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house." -Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and
a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin
Williams
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." -Johnny Carson
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on
the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing
that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
-Jeff Stilson
"Have you ever noticed...Anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared
for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.
So I grew hair under my arms instead." - Sue Kolinsky
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate
it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it
on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
- William Coronel
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were
a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
