Bill had not been feeling too well of late, so he made an appointment with his physician. On the appointed day, he and his wife drove to the clinic. Later that afternoon, after a battery of tests and examinations, his doctor said, "Bill, I'd like to talk to your wife while you get dressed. We'll wait for you in my study."

His wife sat on a comfortable chair while the doctor explained, "Mary, your husband has a rare and potentially terminal disease. He is suffering from a nervous, potentially fatal stress-related disorder. You will need to create a totally stress-free environment for your husband. Mary, I know you have a career, but you must quit your job and become a stay-at-home wife. You'll have to get up a half hour early each morning, shower, and put on a fresh dress. Fix your hair and your makeup. Prepare a nutritious breakfast with emphasis on fresh fruits and whole grains. Send your husband off to work with a big hug and kiss. As soon as he leaves the house, put on your work clothes and clean and scrub the house from top to bottom. Remove any possible allergic or pathogenic source of stress. About an hour before lunch, shower and get ready for your husband to come home for lunch. Prepare him a light, low-fat lunch with emphasis on fresh fruit and salad.

Send him off to work with another kiss and spend your afternoon thoroughly preparing your house for his home coming in the afternoon. Meet him at the door, again, freshly showered and dressed. Give him a big kiss and lead him to his favorite chair. Give him a refreshing drink, the newspaper and the remote control. Tell him to relax while you finish preparing his evening dinner. Make sure the menu includes all of his favorite dishes.

After dinner, encourage him to relax while you tidy up the kitchen and lay out his pajamas and draw his bath. Be attentive to his every need during the evening, and of course, be just as romantic as you can possibly be."
On the ride home Bill asked, "What did the doctor tell you?"

Mary was quiet for a few moments and then answered, "He said you are going to die."

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At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,” we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating, “ If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car 95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five time as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are your sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 % or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Everytime GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:

* You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
* You know what a "burnout" is.
* You wanted to be on Star Search
* You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off..
* You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.
* You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
* You HAD to have your MTV
* You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
* You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack".
* You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
* You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
* You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name".
* You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
* You know who Tina Yothers is.
* You wanted to be a Goonie.
* You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
* You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
* You ever wore florescent, neon if you will, clothing or knew someone who did. 
* You could breakdance, or wish you could.
* You know who Max Headroom is.
* You remember when ATARI was a state-of-the-art video game system.
* You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
* Poltergeist freaked you out.
* You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET Lunchbox..
* You ever had a Swatch Watch.
* You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman) or knew someone who did.
* You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
* You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
* You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
* Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80's". 

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Back Seat Driving

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."
The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.
The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."