When you are from Ohio:
 
 
 1. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point, King's Island, Put-in-Bay or in Amish Country.
 
 2. You measure distance in minutes or hours.
 
 3. Down south to you means Kentucky.
 
 4. Your school classes were canceled because of cold, ice or snow.
 
 5. You leave the flannel sheets on you bed all year long.
 
 6. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
 
 7. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in your car the same day.
 
 8. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
 
 9. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:  "Where's my coat at?
 
 10. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked.
 
 11. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pierogi's, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
 
 12. You carry jumper cables in your car.
 
 13. You know what pop is.
 
 14. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
 
 15. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
 
 16. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
 
 17. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
 
 18. You think that  the opening day of deer season is a national holiday.
 
 19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
 
 20. You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.
 
 21. You find 20 degrees F "a little chilly".
 
 22. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
 
 23. You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as  soon as they open their mouth.
 
 24. You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
 
 25. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Ohio friends!

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A little tired of dumb blonde jokes? Here are some dumb guy jokes!
 
 ** Why do men like smart women?
 ....Opposites attract.
 
 ** How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
 .....We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.
 
 ** How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
 .....Make him wear shoes.
 
 ** What did God say after creating man?
 .....I can do so much better.
 
 ** What's the smartest thing a man can say?
 ....."My wife says..."
 
 ** Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
 .....So men can understand them.
 
 ** Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
 .....To stop the snoring before it starts.
 
 ** Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
 .....Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
 
 ** Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
 .....Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.
 
 ** Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
 .....When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

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Witty Words of Wisdom
 
 - Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
 
 - Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
 
 - Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
 
 - Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
 
 - Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
 
 - Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
 
 - Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
 
 - If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
 
 - If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
 
 - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably  worth it.
 
 - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
 
 - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
 
-  Never buy a car you can't push.
 
 - Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
 
 - Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
 
 - Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
 
 - The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
 
 - There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young
 
 - When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients . . .

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."