Why did the chicken cross the road?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN:
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER:
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers.  Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."  That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."  That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes! The chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.  Why do you ask?

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on them.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released e-Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"?  Could you define "chicken" please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the "black man". The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

MORE CHICKEN TALES

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running.  About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.  They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it...third gay rooster  I bought this month." 

Doctors' Notes on Patients' Hospital Charts

1. Patient has chest pain if lying on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared altogether.

3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1997.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

7. The patient refused an autopsy.

8. The patient has no past history of suicides.

9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

10. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal exam revealed a normal-sized thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

21. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

22. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

23. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

24. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband says that last night in bed, she was very hot.

25. Patient has two teen-age children, but no more abnormalities.

Even More Foul Jokes

A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes--they were gone.
 
He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy.  Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered  up his tools and carried them to his truck.

Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged.  "Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked plaintively.

We Still Have A Long Way To Go

As described on David Letterman . . . 

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the  coin-laden bucket to the elevator. 

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black.  One of them was big...very big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze.  Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.  

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed.  She hoped they didn't read her mind -- but God, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed.  She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. 

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!  Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. 

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor!"  Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.  A shower of coins rained down on her. 

"Take my money and spare me, she prayed." More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.  

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.  I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. 

The woman thought:  My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.  The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.  

When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.  As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. 

The woman brushed herself off.  She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.  

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room -- a dozen roses.  Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.  The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."   It was signed:

 -Eddie Murphy
 -Michael Jordan