Two
guys from Cleveland die and wake up in hell. The next day the
devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas,
mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The
devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough
for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Cleveland,
the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance
to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns
up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they
are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks
them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel
that?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday,
we're from Cleveland, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're
just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, you know."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix
the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The
people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the
room with the two guys from Cleveland and finds them in light
jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil
is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourself."
The two Clevelanders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get
too much warm weather up there in Cleveland, we've just got to
have a cook out when the weather's this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally
he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because
they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn
all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to
wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Ohioans.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats,
and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and
screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded. "I don't understand, when
I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're
still happy. What is wrong with you two?
The Clevelanders look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't
you know, if hell froze over, that must mean the Browns won the
Super Bowl."
The
True Fan
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his boss.
Unfortunately, when he got to the stadium, he realized that the
seat was located in the last row in the corner farthest from the
field. But halfway through the first quarter, he noticed
an empty seat right on the
50-yard line, so he makes his way over to it. Before he
sits down though, he asked the man in the adjoining seat, "Excuse
me, is someone
sitting here?"
The man says "No".
"Wow", says Bob. Who would have a Superbowl ticket
and not use it? "Well, actually, says the man, the
seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife, but
she died. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been together
since we were married back in '69."
"I'm sorry," says Bob, "but couldn't you bring
a friend or relative?" "No," answers the
man, "they're all at the funeral."
A
lot of folks can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the
USA. The answer is simple ... nobody bothered to check the oil.
We didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Texas,
Oklahoma, and Alaska and all the dipsticks are in Washington,
D.C
1.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
2. Cost of raising a medium sized dog to the age of 11:
$6,400.
3. Every day more money is printed for monopoly than the US Treasury.
4. Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better
than men.
5. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
6. Coca Cola was originally green.
7. Average number of people airborne over the US during any given
hour is 61,000.
8. The world's youngest parents were 8 & 9 and lived in China
in 1910.
9. The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
10. First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
11. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
12. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile national
monuments.
13. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history:
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
14. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
JULY 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed
on AUG. 2nd., but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years
later.
15. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the
English language. It is also the Hebrew translation for
God's name.
16. The term "whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter
pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the
ground, the 50-caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly
27 feet. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got
the " Whole 9 yards."
17. The Interstate system was designed so that one mile in every
five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips
in times of war or other emergencies. The Interstate's official
name is "The National Defense Highway System."
18. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only 6" for
each gallon of fuel that it burns.
19. The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the
bubonic plague. Infected people with the plague would get red
circular sores (Ring around the Rosey...). These sores would smell
very bad so people would hide flowers on their bodies in an attempt
to mask the smell ("pocket full of posies..."). People
who died from the plague would be burned to reduce the spread
of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").
20. Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A: Conception.
21. Q: What separates "60 Minutes" on CBS from every
other TV show? A: No theme song.
22. Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A:
Their birthplace.
23. Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers all have in common? A: All invented by
women.
24. Q: What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A: Honey.
25. Q: There are more collect calls made on this day than any
other. A: Father's Day.
A
man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half
past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at
this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock
follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the
door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me
a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed,"
says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's
house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd
told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our
help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So
the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere
he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where
are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A
Thought For Christmas
Do you know what would have happened
If it had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.
For
women everywhere........
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant
Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we
can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself
and thought: "I don't think so."
