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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." So you want a day off . . . Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! 21 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask: "Do you wanna go get a Coke?"; and he replies: "Yeah, give me five mins." 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they are not online. 7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person. 9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business like manner. 10. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a "9" to get an outside line. 11. Your resume' is on a diskette in your pocket. 12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase. 13. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 15. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital. 16. You're already late on the assignment you just received. 17. Your relatives and friends describe your job as "works with computers." 18. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. AND THE CLINCHERS ARE... 19. You read this entire list and you keep nodding and smiling. 20. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your E-MAIL BUDDIES. 21. It crosses your mind that your "jokes group" may have already seen this list but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway. THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account! And if you had a broken disk, it would hurt when you found out! Compress was something you did to garbage, not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And a backup happened to your commode! Cut- you did with a pocket knife Paste- you did with glue. A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead! Actual Bumper Stickers "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" - seen on Cape Cod "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts-Do You Want Fries With That?" "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names" "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance" "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music" MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose" "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog" "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on." "FOR SALE-Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH" "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory." "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it." "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." "HAM AND EGGS: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." "The trouble with life is there's no background music." "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?" "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson." "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware." "MOP AND GLOW: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team." "NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine." "Quoting one is plagiarism, Quoting many is research." "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't." AGE
TEST 1. Name the Beatles. 2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______!" 3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" 4. What do M&M's do? 5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? 6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as? 7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, _______________" 8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, ___________. 9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ________! 10. "Brylcream: _____." 11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ____________. 12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder,wonder... wonder who; _____________?" 13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? , _______." 14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _______. 15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. > > He is Broadway _____. 16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ______, I'm Popeye the sailor man." 17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______. 18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the integral heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ______." 19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ______ to kick around anymore." 20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ___________." "I found my thrill, _______." 22. ________ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _______." 23. "Good night, David." "______,______." 24. "Liar, liar, ___________." 25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. _______! _____ _____." 26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and _____." ANSWERS: 1.
John, Paul, George, Ringo |
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